Breakfast
by Jim Carnival
Summary: Perry arrived earlier than expected, but precisely on time to share an unplanned breakfast of tuna casserole with Doofenshmirtz. He had forgotten, however, that conversations with Doofenshmirtz could be lethal to one's appetite. Prompt result.


**Note: **I still write these. I'm still kicking. I have not yet given up.

* * *

"La, la, la." Norm hummed happily to himself as he bustled around the dining table. He clicked ceramic plates against the placemats––the good plates reserved only for company, Doofenshmirtz noticed. He leaned against the door frame and watched Norm with one eyebrow raised expectantly.

"Norm?" he said, a fake sweetness in his voice. "Might I ask what you are _do_ing?"

Norm's gears creaked as he twisted around, and he smiled, his speaker flashing green. "Dr. D! I am making a delightful morning meal for our friend Perry the Platypus. Is he not coming over?"

"We don't _make breakfast _for Perry the Platypus. We make traps. Traps!"

Norm's expression remained the same. "Traps, Dr. D? Why, you could have fooled me. Just last week you took Perry the Platypus to that pizza restaurant down the street. And I know you both enjoyed it."

"Yeah, well . . . " Doofenshmirtz looked slightly flustered as he pushed back his wiry bangs. Averting his gaze, he said quietly, "It's nice to have dinner with someone every once in a while."

"Yes, I know that feeling well. I may only be a robot, but I still wish I could eat dinner with my dad."

"I'm not your father," Doofenshmirtz said out of habit. "And don't you go around _talking _about my eating with Perry the Platypus. I have a repu_tation _to protect, you know."

"I would never divulge the secrets of such a complicated relationship, sir."

"And clean up that mess," Doofenshmirtz said, pointing at the table. "We are _not_ inviting Perry the Platypus." He paused. "What were you planning to make?"

"Tuna casserole," Norm said cheerfully.

"For breakfast? Ugh. Like I said, you clean up that mess."

"Perry the Platypus loves tuna."

"Does he?"

"Of course, sir." Norm clattered to the oven and peeked inside, his knees squeaking. "Looks like it's almost done."

As if waking from a trance, Doofenshmirtz shook his head. "No way. Perry the Platypus isn't coming over. My scheme isn't going to be ready until later."

"Maybe you should have told him that, sir."

Doofenshmirtz paused, realized what Norm meant, and spun around on his heel. Perry stood in the doorway, his arms folded over his chest and his fedora tilted at a rakish angle.

"Oh!" Embarrassed, Doofenshmirtz gave a little wave, grinning awkwardly. "Hello, there, Perry the Platypus. Um, you're early, aren't you?"

Perry rolled his eyes and tapped his watch.

"Yeah, that's what I said, early––oh. Major Monogram called you?"

Perry nodded.

"Oh. Uh, I see. O.W.C.A. really gets on things. I hardly even know what I'm going to do today. Wonder if they have mind-readers over there. That'd be neat. Kind of creepy, but neat."

Perry glanced around, surveying the room to make sure no traps loomed in the corners.

"Honestly, Perry the Platypus," said Doofenshmirtz, "I've got nothing. I wasn't going to start working until this afternoon."

Perry raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"Yeah, yeah. Lazy me. I know. Since you're here, and since _Norm _had to ruin the kitchen and fix that disgusting casserole, would you like to have breakfast with us?"

"Did you say _us_?" Norm said, spooning the steaming chunks of breading and tuna onto the plates. "I would very much enjoy eating with you, Dad."

Doofenshmirtz glared over his shoulder, then relaxed. "Okay, Norm. I guess you can stay. As long as you sit on the floor and don't interrupt us while we talk."

"Will do, sir."

"Here you go, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz said, darting to the table to pull a rickety chair closer. Still peering around cautiously, Perry clambered onto the chair, settling comfortably and folding his paws on his lap. He felt rather uneasy with Doofenshmirtz rushing around to make final adjustments to everything.

"Are you thirsty?" Doofenshmirtz said, leaning into the refrigerator. "You're thirsty. Of course you are. We have, um, milk. And orange juice. Ew, when did I buy tapioca pudding? I don't even like tapioca. Hey, we still have iced tea. I really should make some lemonade. I can make some lemonade if you want. "

Perry chattered sharply.

"Okay, fine." Doofenshmirtz shut the refrigerator door, holding the pitcher of cloudy tea. "You don't have to snap at me. I'm doing you a favor, you know."

He raided the sparse cupboards for glasses and found two, methodically pouring the tea and dropping in stale cubes of sugar. After further thought, he brought out a bowl of lemon slices and twisted one over the rim of each cup.

"Here we go," Doofenshmirtz said, offering a glass to Perry. Perry took it gratefully.

Doofenshmirtz eased back into the chair, stretching his legs beneath the table. "Not so bad, huh? Yeah, I––" He wrenched around. "Norm! You have to cut the oven _off. _Gee, burn the place down, why don't you?"

Unsettled, he faced Perry. "Sorry about that, Perry the Platypus. It's like taking care of a toddler all over again."

Perry chattered absentmindedly, picking at the lemon rind.

"I am not a toddler. I am Norm, the giant robot man."

"Stop bothering us, Norm."

Perry vaguely listened to this exchange, unimpressed. He looked from Doofenshmirtz to Norm, and realized they were both staring at him expectantly. Perry bristled with discomfort.

To break the silence, Norm said in his choppy mechanical tone, "I am glad you could join us, Perry the Platypus. Dad always talks about asking you out to lunch sometime."

Perry blinked. Doofenshmirtz wrenched around in his chair, tipping it back on one leg, and brought his fist down heavily on Norm's head. The dull _thunk _of flesh against metal resounded, and Doofenshmirtz wrung his stinging hand. Norm's smile remained frozen in place.

"Gee, Norm," said Doofenshmirtz, "if you're going to repeat things that people don't _want _repeated, at least do it right." He turned to Perry apologetically. "I didn't say that, Perry the Platypus. But I might have mentioned, uh, inviting you to stay here for lunch sometime. Or, if you'd rather, we could go for ice creams. Do you like ice cream?"

Perry shrugged nonchalantly.

Doofenshmirtz leaned back, his eyebrows lowering in a scowl, and said out of the side of his mouth to Norm, "See? I told you he wouldn't want to go."

"I told _you_ that, sir." Norm's eyes registered not the slightest hint of surprise. Still grinning widely, he said, "If Perry the Platypus does not want to go out for the ice creams, why do you not offer to take him to a movie like you also have suggested to me numerous times before?"

"Cut it _out, _Norm."

Norm, however, refused to be deterred. "Or if he is not interested in a movie, you could take him to the park and draw evil blueprints together."

"Norm, shut up, please."

Perry sank lower and lower in his seat.

"Or, if going to the park is not a suitable activity, you two could go to the gymnasium and play a vigorous game of bottle spinning."

Doofenshmirtz flung his arm out, effectively slapping the back of his hand against Norm's speaker. "I never said anything like that to you, Norm," he said a voice so tight that it sounded as though it were about to snap.

"No," Norm agreed, "but even from the closet I am still able to hear you talking to yourself at night."

Doofenshmirtz aimed his gaze away from Perry, knowing what he would see if he looked. Perry covered his eyes with his paws, seeming to be struggling against warring bouts of fury and embarrassment.

"And anyways," Doofenshmirtz said reluctantly, assuming he was in enough trouble already, "you don't play _that_ at the gym. Vanessa said you can play it at home. She told me that, uh, the uh, closet is a good location when two people play."

At this, Perry bolted. He pushed away from the table, jarring it sharply. The two glasses of tea toppled, and tea splashed over the floor, dribbling from the table in sticky _plip-plurrip_s. Perry had no desire to apologize for the mess. He smacked a paw on his fedora to hold it in place and tore from the kitchen, bristling the entire way.

Doofenshmirtz stared after Perry, all the enthusiasm draining from his eyes. He sighed deeply and flopped against the back of his chair. His foot struck the leg of the table, shaking it again. His glass rolled over the table, paused precariously at the edge, and fell. It met with the floor with a splitting crack, shattering into dozens of jagged crystal bits.

Doofenshmirtz groaned. Norm patted his knee consolingly.

"It's okay, sir. I'll clean this mess."

"Norm?"

"Yes, Dr. D?"

"Do you have anything that will mop up the mess you just left in my heart?"

Norm considered. "I don't think so, sir, but I've heard that ice cream heals emotional wounds superbly. Especially when it is shared with a close friend."

"Thanks a lot, Norm. If it weren't for you, I could be eating ice cream with Perry the Platypus, telling him about what happened this mor––"

Doofenshmirtz slumped until his forehead struck the tabletop. He sat still, only his shoulders rising and falling with slow, stiff breaths.

"Norm?" Doofenshmirtz said in a small voice.

"Yes, Dr. D?"

"I think I need some ice cream."

* * *

**Note: **Help me.


End file.
